April, 28th, 2005 Thursday

相爱不如相知,与其执着痴念,不如化为祝福
不要让你爱的人,被你的爱所磨蚀
相反的,以你的爱让她得到力量,展翅高飞
假若真的有缘,就算过了千年,心仍会在一起
真正爱一个人,必定以她的幸福当作是你最大的幸福
但那份付出的爱该怎么收回 我想没人能办得到
只好把她深藏在心里刻在永不磨灭的回忆里
或许一天她会恍然发现真正爱她的人
为她的梦想宁愿独自背负着痛楚
也不愿让她感觉到一丝一毫负担
也许很傻，也许说再多她也不会懂
但为了她，为了爱，一切都值得

April, 28th, 2005 Thursday(1:17am....)

sometimes, when you know that she had dreams that are far more elusive than yours, you know, you had to let her fulfill them. even its about sacrifizing your own dreams, your own desire. everyone is selfish, everyone wants to live their dreams, who gives a damn about what your dreams are. I do. I know what her dreams are and would do whatever I could to let her accomplish that even if it comes to making myself sacrificial. I'm not that great. but I will do whatever it takes. when she wants to fly, you have to let her fly. do whatever I can and never look back. I hope she would be contented with what she has eventually. contentment is the key to eternal happiness within one. and all I want is her to be happy. I guess the road down the my chosen path is even more winding now. but I'll continue to push through. to get to the part where I'll finally deserve what I've been persevering for. life is a game. at the end of the day, you either win or you lose. no in between. no compromising.

April, 28th, 2005 Thursday(12:15am....)

My dad once told me that life goes by in the blink of an eye. Don't wait to ask permission for what you want. Everything is about respect. Making your own mark. Millions of obstacles, constant pain, constant struggling. Why? It all comes down to respect. Separating yourself from the pack. Walk your own chosen path. Remove yourself from people who want to pull you down to their level. Believe it, you know it's hard, but at the end of the day, who else can you really depend on but yourself? So you damn better be able to figure this shit out yourself. If you don’t, face it, you’ll be just another piece of dung in the bowl.

April, 26th, 2005 Tuesday

life has never been quite the same as before. and i am never the same person you knew. that's because when you've walked through some pretty tough situations, you became tougher. and I'm still walking that path. the path no one will lead, the path no one would save, the path no one else's but me that chose.
still pumpin iron, still living, still breathing, still thinking. life still goes on whether you like it or don't. time never stops for you to heal. time reminds you that you have to carry on even though you are wounded. but, its our mind that stops. it stops for our thoughts. it stops at the moment memories flood back. so strong that we get drown in it. if happy memories brings up the sad ones, then why must we remember them all.
some will say, at least we had got a taste of the sweet and bitter before. again, whats the damn point. but, this is life I guess.
I loved in which you love, I dream in which you dreamt
that's why I'm sad when you are depressed, that's why I'm overwhelmed when you feel happy
because I walk your path, because I share your sorrows
that's why I'll do anything to bring you joy, that's why I try to keep up with your dreams
why won't I want to see the truth.... I'd rather be blind
why won't I listen to promises...I'm afraid it break my heart
that's why I felt peaceful in your silence, for it'll bring us to the fate of tomorrow
there's no storm I wouldn't brave...for you. there's no burden I would bare...for you
and that's why I choose to hold your hand, and never look back, I'm prepared, I can
maybe with a hand in my hand, life would never be the same
maybe with a heart in my hand, I would have to face hardships as strong as I can
In my next life, I still want to hold your hand, because I've held your hand in my hand
And because I held your heart in my hand, I'll brave through whatever it takes to be your man

time

you know, people would say that time will heal the pain and sorrows. for me, what i think is as time goes by, the hurtful memories just became buried somewhere deep within my mind.
it will never really heal those painful memories.
the once impeccable, tender and trusting heart, is just being slashed and wounded time and again with each hurtful memory.
time, it doesn't heal, time just makes you forget, and makes the heart harden to cope with the pain.
life, it is a beautiful thing, yet, so cruel, because of the unforeseen circumstance that we are put through...

只怪世上太多有心人， 却有太少有情人

感情路走得坎坷，走得心伤，走得疲惫不堪
这么执着只因深信能找到个避风港，好好疗伤
执着或许是对，或许是错，或许都不再重要
上天究竟能不能让悲伤止步
能不能让我们的一切回到相识的最初
很怀念我们一起走过的路，一起做过的事，一起牵着手， 一起谈着心
最怀念的还是你的真心关怀，你的温暖拥抱
如今，想得再多也只是让心再更痛，泪在脸上更自由的挥霍
其实，我并没有哭，流下的并不是泪
那只不过是用尽真心后，受了重伤的汗水
我也开始了结有些爱，真的就象烟火，一旦灿烂过后，就应该接受沉默
现实， 永远都是那么的冷面残酷，那么的冷漠无情
人生， 为何总是那么的漂浮不定，那么的疲惫不宜
爱情， 又从几何时这么的变样走态， 这么的让人无奈
我用劲了感情砸下浪漫，最后只剩下寂寞坚持胸怀

April, 22nd, 2005 Friday(12:43am....)

at times in life, when you climb the ladder of hope and faith, you will tend to climb too fast. so fast, so high that in a moment, you thought that you were going to touch the heaven at your finger tips.
Just at that moment of overwhelming happiness, the ladder gave way, and you fall head straight down, faster than the blink of an eye.
And just in time, you grab hold of a rope dangling from nowhere, not certain that will it too give way, you hesitated. But eventually, you know that's your only hope, your only chance, and you can't let go. If you let go, you know that you have already made a decision to fail, cos you won't even try to hold on.
nothing in life comes easy. nothing in life is certain. and nothing in life is not worth trying.
at the dusk of the day, you are your own master. you make decisions for yourself to survive.
learn to accept, learn to listen, learn to understand, learn to persevere, learn to hold on.
and if all things turns out right in the end, then you know, you are at the top, touching the heavens again........

April, 18th, 2005 Monday

Now, I don't understand what I'm going through, so many struggling moments, so many decisions to make, so much hurt, so heart wrecking, so poignant, so many thoughts going through my mind, so many sleepless nights. And why am I so disgruntled? I don't have an exact answer. But one thing I know for sure is that, I must pull through this toughest stage of my life, and if in the end I'm the one with her. I'll take every chance. because....I've fallen in too deep.

April, 18th, 2005 Sunday(12:37am....)

its like a candle that lits up the darkness and fire that expels the coldness. its ever so warming and nice to see and feel her presence. my love, i smiled. i really smiled because i felt the warmness. the unbelievable joy within.

April, 18th, 2005 Monday(12:25am....)

The one thing...

sometimes you would wonder why we don't have the power to undo whats done and turn back time. the reason is simple. we all need to learn through mistakes. but, there are just somethings that one shouldn't do inorder to learn through it. don't worry, you'll have your fair share of it, trust me. there is this one thing for each of us. we wouldn't get to know what is it, until we've done it. and when we've done it, its sometimes the one thing that cause you to fall and maybe, the worst fall of your life and you couldn't get up. I don't always believe in fate and destiny. I believe if thats what I want, I wouldn't be sitting there waiting for it to happen, I have to do something to make things happen. and even if in any chance I fail to get what I persevere for, I know, I have tried my best. and I'll somehow lose like a winner.

April, 15th, 2005 Friday(11:49pm....)

what must i do...can someone please tell me...i'm so dumb...i felt weak...i felt helpless...i aint certain...
i'm sorry...i cared too much for you...i dont know...what will come...what will make the better of both of us...

April, 13th, 2005 Wednesday(1:26am...)

I just want you to understand that I'll be there for you no matter what happens. Cuz part of you had grown in me, its true, its so real. I really cherish you with all I have. I really need you to be by my side to share all the ups and downs. what I'm trying to say is that I'm really getting more and more emotionally attached to you as each and everyday gets by. my love grew for you even more. I really hope that you do understand gal. a guy like me need to be loved too. its kinda hard for me to bring it outta my damn mouth, but I really hope you do understand. Love is a burning desire, that makes your heart light on fire, love is being with you, someone saying I love you too, love is your tender kiss, something I don't want to miss, love is you and me, and that is all I see.

April, 12th, 2005 Tuesday(2:45am....)

if only I could turn back time.......

April, 10th, 2005 Sunday(3:53am....)

Sometimes, all of us will learn that life is queer with its twists and turns. and many a times that if we could hang on and perservere enough, we would have won the war against all odds. Never bow to hardship and unforeseen circumstances which drag us down. Though the process may sometimes seems to be painfully slow, give up we should not, cause we might suceed with another blow.

As the clouds of doubt surface and you see the silver linning circumferencing them, it is the prove that success is failure turned inside out. Caught deep in the situation, we can never be able to differentiate how close we are when everything seems so afar. So stick to the fight when you're hardest hitIt's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

April, 8th, 2005 Friday

They who are near me
do not know that you are nearer to me than they are...

Those who speak to me
do not know that my heart is full with your unspoken words...

Those who crowd in my path
do not know that I am walking alone with you...

They who love me
do not know that their love brings you to my heart...

April, 8th, 2005 Friday

There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. I don't need anyone to take advantage of my weaknesses or my strengths, I need someone who will appreciate me for everything that I am.

This evening at the weight room, the monster got into me again and all I felt was damn bloody agitated. Its been quite awhile that I could actually feel my own presence and intensity...so real. I was just tired, hungry, pissed and moody. But somehow, I heaved those poundages that only when on my best days I perform. I guess it was the anger that pushes me to the limit. The psychotic me was back, I smile in the face of the heavy ass weights and pain to come. Only in the weight room, I get to be myself. I don't care this 'who and who' thinks that I'm a big time show-off or that 'who and who' thinks that I'm putting on a freakshow for everyone. I don't need your applause, I don't need your jealous stares, I don't need your sacarstic remarks, I don't need no shit. I just want to put a hundred percent and one into everything I do.

People ask me why I seldom smile. The fact is that I think its because I have found no reason to smile. I don't think the world around us is amusing. Everywhere is so damn cold to me. People around judge you simply by the exterior. who the hell cares about whats burning within that skin, flesh and bones? No one cares for what you dream. Its a selfish world to me....for a moment. And now, I've found the reason to smile again. It takes me a life time to find someone like her that made me feel my heart beats again. and when I've found her now, I knew I had the reason to smile. And the more you love, the more you lose a part of you. Yet you dont become less of you are, instead you end up being complete.

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others. and she is the miracle in my life.

April, 8th, 2005 Friday

Love is not blind, it sees more not less.
But because it sees more, it chooses to see less.

April, 6th, 2005 Wednesday

Someday you're gonna ask me whose life is more important?
Yours or mine?
I will say mine, and you'll walk away, never knowing you are my life...

April, 6th, 2005 Wednesday

I may not get to see you as often as I like.
I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night.
But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go.

April, 5th, 2005 Tuesday

an important lesson in life i must learn and understand..............

"Just because someone doesn't love you in the way you want them to, doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they've got. "

April, 5th, 2005 Tuesday

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
My love knows no reasons, my love knows no lies. My love defies all reasons, my love has no eyes. But girl, my love is not blind, my love sees but doesn't mind.

April, 3rd, 2005 Sunday(11:43pm....)

We eventually become what we think about most. And no wind blows in favour of a ship without a destination. A person without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder. Get behind the helm, plan the work and work the plan. a step a day at a time. decide on your destination. fix your goals. force them into your subconscious with unrelenting practice. only that, you will be able to see yourself achieving them one by one. Make winning your game plan in life in the time you have remaining.....because......we have no time to lose....

April, 3rd, 2005 Sunday(1:51am....)

I'm still pretty much drunk. its been years since i've gotten myself this drunk. I don't like the feeling of being drunk all the long while, but this time round, i seems to take it well. I wanted to get drunk. I went to drink on the purpose to get drunk. I wanted to freeze all the thoughts going on in my mind. I need to free myself off all these. I could go insane. Well it sorta help abit, cos i was out cold for 2 hrs after more than a dozen of e thrity threes. cos i knew that was the fastest way to get myself drunk. I'm not here nor there, i'm half done now, half conscious, half awake. still feeling quite numb. reactions turned slow. vision still unclear. there's a saying that goes, " if you ain't part of the solution, you're part of the problem". and I don't wanna be the problem to you. I just wanna do whatever I could, I should and if you ask for, I would. I just wanna take on and share your burden, your worries. I just don't wanna see you being so stressed and tired. My heart aches whenever I see that. All I can do is to lessen your burden...in whatever ways I can.

April, 1st, 2005 Friday(2:17am....)

what's the use in floating if all it does is to tell you someone's under you.
what's the use in praying, for all the things that mean so much to none of you.
what's the use in pouring out my heart into situations I could cry through.
you can always tell,
but i know remorse so well.
and i left reality early due to the lack of humanity